...Spiritual Footprints...

...as the global temperature rises we hear complaints about carbon emissions in the air around us and as our already fragile bodies become even more weak our ears can hear sounds of people yelling about the evils of cigarette smoke in the air that we breathe. There is no doubt that the air around us is far less pure than it was 1000 years ago; in fact it is even less pure than just 50 years ago! I myself do what i can to keep my "global footprint" to a minimum. But what about our "spiritual footprint"? What mark are we leaving on those around us and is it a good "mark"? In these days of vague truths and ever loosening morality i find myself constantly beset with evils, both intentional and unintentional. Everywhere i turn my "lungs" are breathing in hate and greed and pride. My "nose" picks up the stale stench of anger and of lust and my "eyes" cannot help but notice that kindness and true love and mercy are harder to find than they should be. What impact are we having on those around us?

           Think back 2 years. What friends did you have? Are they the same ones you have now? What impact did you have in them? What kind of a footprint did you leave in their soul? Was their life better because you were a part of it? Now think back 5 years and ask yourself the same question...and 10 years? Speaking for myself i know i have not always been teh best example. 10 years ago i shouldn't have snuck out past my sisters bedroom window to get drunk. The footprint i left on her soul from those actions of mine is deep and it reeks of selfishness and acrid disregard for God. I know that 5 years ago i made the mistake of choosing a romantic relationship over spending the time i should have with close and dear friends. My footprint on their soul, while less dramatic, is still less than desirable. And 2 years ago? I did the best i could, but i still could have handled my divorce proceedings and my last interactions with my ex-wife better.

    But what about today? The past is just that, the past. There is nothing we can do to change it, only learn from it. So what can we learn from the past so that we can leave a better, more beautiful footprint on the souls of those around us? When people come in contact with us do they see Christ? Do they see a man/woman who is living with the Spirit of Christ mightily at work? When we work do work as if we were working for God Himself? When we drive do we drive our cars as if Christ owned them? When we buy our groceries do we treat those in the supermarket and those serving us with respect and kindness and love? When we are called home what kind of impact will we have had on the world around us? Will those who come in contact with be better because we were in their lives? Think about...we are only given one life and some people we only get one opportunity to display Christ to. Some people we may only meet once in life, some people may come into our "sphere of influence" once. Do these people leave our "sphere" better because they came in contact with us?

           May the foods that we eat glorify God! May He shine from within us and may our every word display His heart and His character. may His life motivate us to display Him in all that we do. May our music, our speech, our clothing and deeds reflect the hope, faith and love that we have found deep within the "Spring of life". may His hand guide us and may we seek to do His will with every breath that we draw. May our footprint on the lives of those around us be positive. may we leave this world, and the lives of those we came in contact with, better, because of the Spirit that lives within us :)

                                                                      I love you :)

a question to ponder...

My dad and i don't always see eye to eye...

...what makes a life worth living?? Is it family?? Is it friends?? Is it hope in something?? is it happiness?? Or perhaps love?? There are many things for many different people, what may make life worthwhile for one person may not make it worthwhile for another. The amazing thing about God is that there are so many different people with many different perspectives on life, ALL of whom are created in His image, in His very likeness. My dad was an accountant for the majority of my "growing up years" and i (as an avid math hater) was constantly amazed at how numbers just made sense to him. He would spend hours disecting the mileage that we had to travel on family vacations. I remember him sitting with a map and a ruler and a notebook and adding all the miles between towns that we would stop at and calculating our fuel economy and other seemingly random statistics that made my brain hurt. I remember one time as we were standing in some forest on some family holiday in my younger years, i remember standing next to him after he had just told me how many miles were left til the next stop. I remember how his eyes lit up as he asked me if i wanted to go back to the car and look at how far we had come already. I remember how he was so excited to plan out the different routes we could take and i remember how jubilant he was to go back over his careful calculations to make corrections as we traveled. I also remember how lost i was through many of our conversations about all the mileage and geography and planning and such.

                Another "pastime" that my dad loved was horticulture. For the uneducated (or simply "lost" which would describe the category in which i would place myself!!), horticulture is a fancy way of saying "all things to do with plants and trees and stuff". I remember how for years my dad would drag me out to the garden on saturdays and we would "garden together". Which i think was actually code for "adam pulls weeds while dad prunes the roses". Dad would tell me the latin names for all the different plants growing in our back yard and he would explain what the different stages in their development were all about, to say that i was "lost" again would be an understate. To make a gesture simulating a very large aircraft soaring over my head would be much more descriptive!!. At the time gardening was torture for me and to this day i very much dislike "yard work". I would much rather live in an apartment and not have to worry about a yard at all!! To be completely honest, gardening has never been my "thing" and i doubt it ever will be.

            Hindsight gives alot of perspective. Hindsight gives the kind of perspective that allows us to see things in a way that we never did at that particular time. Hindsight teaches me that my dad sees God in the numbers on a map and in the rings of a tree. My dad can see beauty in statistics and in maps and in destinations and in leaf-producing varieties of snow-peas. He sees God in the way a tree sheds its leaves and also in the name of a town on a map. God has uniquely wired him in a way that no other person has been wired. God has gifted him in such a particular way and given him such beautiful talents that i can honestly say, thanks to hindsight, that while i still do NOT enjoy half the "pastimes" that my dad does, i fully appreciate his place in the world and i am in awe of the beauty God has created in my dad. I am in awe of the way that God has sculpted him specifically to be a husband to my mum and a father to myself and my siblings. I am very grateful and incredibly blessed to be able to call him my dad. There are many things i thank my dad for and many more that i should thank him. Hopefully with time and wisdom i will come to a better understanding of the man i call my dad, but for now i am content with being very grateful for the fact that i rarely understand how he is "wired". For now i am actually pleased that we often don't see eye to eye and for the reality that the things that "move" us are very different. I used to hate these differences but now i see the fullness of God better because of them not in spite of them. Through my dad and my lack of dedication to the hobbies which he pursues, i see how vast God is and how immense His image truly is. I pray that as you read these words coming straight from my heart, you too can begin to praise God for that someone close to you with whom you often differ or disagree. I pray that through frustration and perceived inability to communicate you can find that beauty that is the magnitude of God's image. I could care less about the latin name for a hydrangia, but i am so glad that dad cares, because through his knowledge and desire to know plants better he teaches me how complete God is. Thank you dad; i love you.

...in less than 7 hours...

...in less than 7 hours i shall be on Qantas flight 108 bound for Sydney Australia. A mere 2,829 days after leaving my home nation I now return, older, hopefully wiser and definately more broken (but in a good way). I leave behind a failed marriage, a checkered and foggy education from an "institution of higher learning", countless jobs and far too many friends to count. My parents and siblings now reside in different portions of thise populated expanse and my "virtual family" spans from coast to coast and from the Canadian border down to the Gulf of Mexico. If I had left 2 years ago, as was my plan, i would have left a broken, beaten, battered and bitter man, and i would most likely still be running from my past today. If i had left 2 years ago, as was my aim, i would not have come to appreciate what God was creating in me through my own suffering. I think back to this day, September 24th, in 2004; just 3 short years ago, and the man i see back then was an utter wreck. I think at this point i was currently drowning in 2 straight days of tears, and my mind ached from the reality of how much love can hurt. I didn't want to exist, I didn't have the strength to die. And I for sure didn't know which way was up and which was down. My world was in a tailspin and i couldn't have predicted where i would be 3 days from that moment let alone 3 years! About 3 months from now will mark the day that, 3 years ago, I lay forlornly strewn across a back road in York Nebraska after trying to fix my problems from the bottle of a bottle of 80 proof Smirnoff. I remember vividly laying there and crying out to God as the tears came pouring out of my eyes and streamed to the ground. I remember whispering that if God wanted me to continue to live, then He would have to give me strength in my legs, blood in my veins and life in my heart, because i was done. I couldn't go on. In fact if God would just do nothing, then i would slip into oblivion and i would pass from this life to the next. Almost 3 years later i sit, in front of a brand new laptop, that was given to me by the grace of a fellow christian. I sit in a house which i have lived in yet never paid rent, again due to the charity and love of a dear brother. The car I have been driving during my last month here is borrowed, from a friend, a brother, and the money in my wallet is there because it was pressed into my hand after i told my family at Hilltop why i was leaving them. Before my world fell apart. Before everything came crashing down around me, I was living on borrowed time. I was wearing clothes which God had provided, but i had paid for and i was living in an apartment which i paid rent for. I ate food which was paid out of my checking account and my, now ex, wife drove our car to and from her work and picked me up from school and work. Oh yeah, we paid for that out of our joint account as well. I have less now, than i think i ever have. Yet i am at peace. I have less control over whether i live or die, and that's okay. I breathe, i sleep, and i talk, but even these things are gifts, things that i know can be taken at any moment. What has changed in 3 years? Nothing; and yet everything. What has changed in 7 years? Nothing; and yet everything.

            In less than 7 hours i board a plane. I board a plane bound for Sydney Australia where someone will be there to meet me, or perhaps i will just hop on a train up the coast to Woy Woy. I board a plane with a destination and yet it is so much more than that. It is a voyage to the known that has become unknown. It is a journey into the familiar that has become foreign. What lies ahead of me? I know not the answer to this question but i am strangely okay with that. How will i survive once i get there? Again i must admit i am stumped by your question. But yet this doesn't seem to bother me. Am i searching for a way to support myself? No. Am i looking for fulfilment of some dream? Kind of, but then not really. Am i pursuing love? Well, kind of. I mean, my past experiences with mortal love have left me empty, broken, cracked beyond repair, yet I also know that i cannot survive forever without "her" (whoever she may be); but this is not what i am trying to find. Yet love, at its purest, most innocent, deepest level is really why i go. Love is, actually all around. Sorry i had to say that cause i love the movie, but seriously, love is all around us all the time and generally all we have to do is open our eyes to see it. I am boarding that plane because love is all i know. Love at its most brutal, love at its worst, love at its most tender, love in the air, love in the water and love in the "head-spinning-make-you-wanna-scream-and-cry-and-laugh-all-at-the-same-time" kind of way. I think it is was sometime in the 80's, although it could have been the late 70's or early 90's, Aaron Neville and Linda Ronstadt sang a duet. I can't remember the title and i can't remember many of the lyrics even. In fact the ONLY lyrics i remember are these, "I don't know much, but I know I love you". I can hear the melody of these words in my head. And the irony is that these are all that i "know" of the song. Perhaps it's all that i need to know. Despite all the work experience i have had in construction/general labour/roofing/flooring/insulation/lumber yard/hotels/garbage department/fencing/retail clothing/gas stations/grocery stores/wind mill building/waiting tables/acting/music/birthday parties/youth ministry/teaching/Arby's/newspapers/writing and of course being on student government and being an R.A. in college; despite all of this experience i still don't know much. But i do know that I love my God passionately, deeply, zealously, fanatically. I love Him with a deep desire that burns through all of my knowledge, all of my physical accomplishments, all my emotional pain and every bit of my spiritual angst. I love Him with my entire being. And i love His children. I love His homeless, abusive, sex-driven, anger-ridden, filthy children. I love His children who cheat one another and who lie to one another and with one another, who curse Him and who scoff at Him. I love His homosexual children, His suffering children, His arrogant children and His evil children. I love His addicted children and His wandering children, His worried children and His children who may never come back. I love His children who cut themselves and His children who cut with words. I love His children who devalue women and those abuse the body He gave them to take care of. I don't know much, but i know that I love Him, and i know that I love those He made.

                 Am i crazy? Yeah, without a doubt. Am i a fanatic? Most likely. Am I willing to do WHATEVER it takes to find Him and lift His kids into His outstretched arms? You better believe it! Because I have had some revelation atht makes me better than them? No. Because 3 years ago i was wallowing in the pits of self despair wondering if i would make it through another day. Because during those 3 years Spencer and Kimmie have dried my tears. Steve and Mesha have held my hand when couldn't stand. Because Mum and Dad allowed me to vent but not go too far with my anger. Because John Baker understood, because Uncle Robert and Aunt Darla opened their home when i needed to get away. Because Butch Capo welcomed me when my soul was dying and i needed to run again. Because Meghan became my sister and because Amanda taught me that my heart could feel. Because Jeff showed me what it was to speak with my Maker, because Matt allowed me to share my story. Because Roslyn showed me what perseverance was, and because DJ showed me brotherly companionship. Because Trey showed me kindness and because Ruth showed me purity. Because Scott loves me like a son and because Adrienne was there to chat. Because Chad wouldn't let me "fade into oblivion", because Sarah protected me and because Anna and John love me deeply. Because Todd and Kara made my bed when i wanted so badly to go home, because God used Holly to break me again because He still needed to work on me. I am sitting in front of this computer writing this blog because "Dean" bought me this laptop on the condition that i use it for the Lord, i sit and write because Monica gave me the courage to be myself and because "the CORE" accepted me where i was at and because Hilltop loved me in spite of me. I am here because Niki came to visit me in Australia, because Shayna taught me the power of prayer and opened my eyes, and because Rinn allowed me to see past my own struggles and made me comfortable. I stand here because God sent people into my life who revealed parts of Him, i stand here because God sent people who would shine their light into my life and shove me that much closer to my Maker. I don't know anymore than i knew then, in fact i know less. I know that i am loved, by those i have mentioned and countless more whom i have not the room to list. I cannot thank these people enough for the part they have played in shaping me up to this point and i doubt they will ever know how much they have impacted me. Some have been apart of my life for as long as i have been alive and others i have only know for barely a month. In less than 7 hours i depart for "home" yet i know that i am not going home. I am going because i am loved, i am going because God is shaping others, and i am going because i don't know much, but i know i love Him.

          In less than 7 hours i get to check in at the ticket counter. I get to stand in line, both in front of and behind someone. I get to sit next to 2 people for 14 hours and i get to be in the presence of hundreds, maybe even thousands of His children. I go because i love, and though it may be the hardest journey i have ever started, i go with a smile on my face, a song in my heart and a prayer in my eyes: may all those who come in contact with me, leave my presence as a better person because of His love that is radiating out of my life. Thank you to all who have allowed God to use them in mighty ways, whether i have mentioned you or not. Thank you to all who never knew that you had effected me and who are still not fully believing that you touched me this deeply. Thank you. In less than 7 hours my body leaves for Australia, but i pray that my love will stay within your heart. I love you all deeply.

The need for others...